I grew up in a household where communication quality was mostly acceptable if you’d said something within earshot of the person who was meant to hear. My mom knew that our skills needed boosting, but having lacked the experience herself, she turned to self-help books for guidance. I learned a lot of things like…
When you ______, I feel ________.
My feelings are hurt when ___________.
In an effort to avoid blaming people for things, a variation of these statements became embedded in my verbal responses to emotional triggers. I thought –as I was taught– that emphasizing my feelings would open the gate to a more sympathetic reaction from others. I didn’t want to attack anyone, so I put my heart on the line.
Image by 周小逸 Ian, CC by 2.0
It didn’t work. Over the years, when I tried in this manner to approach people about issues that were important to me, I found blame placed on me instead. I practiced the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine, and people were all too willing to accept it. I felt powerless. The communication tactics I’d learned were making things worse.
I’m not saying that these are invalid strategies. These are basic tools that counselors teach their clients to help them improve their relationships. I was miseducated on the implementation. Somehow, when my mom tried to learn these lessons and pass them on to me, everything went awry. I needed someone to model effective communication…and so did she. I’m finding the help I need now, in two unexpected ways.
Being a university student and being exposed to college faculty and industry professionals has been an invaluable experience. I learn so much from being around them; it’s the first time in my life I’ve been in regular, close contact with people I admire both for their talent and the way they present themselves. My skills have increased tenfold just from observation.
Blogging –or more specifically, reading others’ blogs– has also increased my ability to communicate. There are bloggers I follow (check out my blogroll to the right!) who regularly amaze me with their insightful, poetic entries. Reading their words inspires me. That inspiration is channeled into my posts, and I’m pleased to say that writing more effectively has helped me better communicate orally as well. Interaction through comments adds icing to the cake.
I’m grateful to everyone who is helping me on the path to improved communication. I have needed this for years.
Have you suffered from inadequate communication skills? Who or what helped you become better at it? Were you also over thirty when you finally started learning?
I followed the ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’ philosophy for years and it’s only now (at 31) that I’m seeing how it allowed people to steamroll me. You expect an equal, empathetic action, but sometimes all other people think is, “Yup, it’s YOU.” It’s hard to learn to be assertive (in my case anyway) and communicate more effectively after os many years of defaulting to one model.
I’m so glad school (and blogging) is giving you this additional benefit!
It IS hard to learn to be assertive when you’re not used to it, especially if you feel bad disappointing someone. I’m just now realizing that you can both stand your ground and be respectful of others. I know people won’t always like or agree with what I have to say, but that’s okay…as long as we can be civil about it!
I think as women it’s a huge challenge to be honest. It’s not considered ladylike to speak up! Well, I’ve found that my edit button has popped off my keyboard (well there’s still a small bit of it left) since I’ve become a mother. Hoo-wee! What a great sense of relief.
Being over 30 helps a lot too. I’ve been around, I’ve seen the strings, very little surprises me anymore and I’m confident enough to express myself too. Still, there are times where I’m tongue tied, and it sucks when I think of the perfect thing to say a day later. Arg!
But you know, I do like to express my feelings in the way you mentioned at the top of your post… but only with people I know who will respond with care.
I’m thankful that being a mom has helped me stick to my guns. I don’t let people push me around when it comes to what’s best for my son, and I’d like to do the same when it comes to sticking up for myself.
I like what you said about expressing your feelings as mentioned above only with people who will respond with care. It makes sense to apply those words that way. Not everyone will respond as desired; that’s something I need to remember.